My name is Catherine and I’m 27. In May 2000 my husband, Chad, and I
decided we were ready to start a family. We thought it would be best
for me to go off birth control pills (after taking them for 5 years)
and wait three months before trying so that we could get a more
accurate account of our due date if we were lucky enough to conceive.
We started trying in August and were hopeful that I’d be pregnant by
December. We were quite surprised to discover that I got pregnant our
first time trying. We were thrilled, but I was also a little nervous.
My mom had two miscarriages before she finally had my brother and I,
and I always wondered if I, too, would miscarry. All my friends were
having healthy kids and I kept thinking that statistically one of us
was bound to have a miscarriage and it would probably be me. Before my
first prenatal appointment I began to have some very light spotting and
I of course thought the worst. My fears were calmed, though, after I
spoke to the midwife and was told that it was completely normal to have
some spotting during pregnancy. She said that I had nothing to worry
about. After that I never gave miscarrying a second thought.
I continued to spot lightly once or twice a week and mentioned this
again to the midwife when Chad and I went in to hear our baby’s
heartbeat for the first time at 11 weeks. She again told us it was
normal, but I should have suspected that something was wrong when she
couldn’t find a heartbeat. She told us not to worry about anything that
often times a heartbeat can’t be detected that early and that she would
just reschedule us to come back in 3 weeks later to try again.
Just a few days before our next appointment I woke one morning to find
that I was bleeding. It wasn’t as heavy as menstrual bleeding but it
was definitely more than spotting. I made an appointment with a doctor
for that very morning. As soon as she did the physical exam we knew
something was wrong. She said that my uterus felt like it was only at 8
weeks instead of the 13 weeks 6 days that I was supposed to be. She
told me I was either miscarrying or simply miscalculated my due date. I
assured her that the due date (May 1, 2001) was correct. She scheduled
an ultrasound for that afternoon. Chad and I went home to wait for the
ultrasound and were just devastated. We were sure that I was
miscarrying, but we didn’t want to give up all hope.
Unfortunately, the ultrasound technician confirmed our worst fears. I
had an “empty sac,” or blighted ovum. She explained that the sac was
empty and misshapen. There was no baby. We were just stunned. We
couldn’t believe that there was no baby. The doctor then spoke to us
and told me I had two choices. I could have a D&E or I could let
the miscarriage happen naturally. She encouraged me to have the D&E
since I was already 14 weeks along and I hadn’t expelled the sac on my
own. In fact, I hadn’t expelled any tissue and still only had very
light spotting. Three days later the D&E was performed.
Although I was emotionally exhausted, the D&E was not nearly as
physically painful as I expected. As soon as they wheeled me into the
OR I began to cry. Before I knew it, however, I was given general
anesthesia and was fast asleep. When I woke in the recovery room I had
some menstrual-like cramps. I was given pain medication and the cramps
were gone by the time I left the hospital and they never returned. The
bleeding was also much less than I expected. The first day or two it
was very much like a regular period, but then it tapered off to
spotting. Unfortunately, the spotting continued steadily for 6 weeks. I
saw my doctor 3 weeks after the procedure to find out why I was still
spotting and I was given an ultrasound. The technician found
“something” in my uterus, but the doctor said they couldn’t be sure if
was retained tissue or a blood clot. She said the only way to be sure
was to perform a D&C and analyze the tissue. Instead of having the
D&C I opted for medication because I was worried about what it
would do to my body to have two procedures done so close together. I
was put on Methergine for 2 days, which was supposed to make my uterus
cramp and either expel the tissue or stop the bleeding. It didn’t work.
I returned to the doctor 2 weeks later and was put on Progesterone. I
was only on it for a few days before I expelled two small pieces of
tissue. Two days later I stopped spotting and only a week after the
spotting stopped I got my period.
At first I tried to convince myself that because I had a blighted ovum
there never really was a baby. I thought that would be easier for me to
handle, but I simply couldn’t lie to myself. I believe that as soon as
an egg is fertilized a life is created and that just because a baby
doesn’t fully develop from that egg when you have a blighted ovum
doesn’t mean that a life wasn’t created.
Initially I wanted to blame myself for the miscarriage, but I know
there wasn’t anything I could have done. “Probably a chromosomal
abnormality,” the doctor told us. That’s very little comfort to a
grieving parent. We were never given the option of having tests done on
either the “products of conception” or ourselves, and when I inquired
about testing for myself I was told that doctors only test women who
have recurring miscarriages (more than 3 of them in a row).
It’s been nearly 4 months since the D&E and I still think about our
baby every day. Some days the pain of missing him/her is overwhelming
and it seems like just yesterday we were told I was miscarrying. I try
to remain positive and hopeful, though, by reminding myself that our
day will come when we can hold a perfectly healthy little baby in our
arms.
Although my miscarriage is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to
endure, I hope that by sharing my story I have been able to help others
in their time of grief.
Catherine
2/27/01
UPDATE 08/17/01: I received an email from Catherine a few days
ago, she has had a positive home pregnancy test--and had her first
Doctor's appointment today! Congrads Catherine!
