David and I were married in November of 2000. I've never been more sure
of anything than the desire to have children. Being 36 and hoping for
at least two, I felt we couldn't afford the luxury of waiting. I would
hate myself, I explained to David, if we indulged in a Newly wed year
and then found out we had some problem that would take time to fix. So
we agreed to wait till spring and then get started. I saw an OB/GYN on
February 13th and explained that I was there to get everything checked;
to get the green light, so to speak. He did all the tests and a week
later I got a letter explaining that my PAP smear was normal. I called
the office to ask about that other tests and was assured that if there
was anything wrong, the doctor would have called me. So on March 21st
we were off!
I got my period on April 10th, but wasn't too concerned. We had had an
exhausting month and hadn't really made the best attempt. On May 4th, I
had a physical with my GP, who was aware of my plans. She called me the
8th and told me that I came back unequivocal for Rubella and that I
would need a booster shot and then would have to wait 3 months before
trying to get pregnant. I immediately called my OB/GYN and asked if
this was true, if he'd done the test, and when his nurse said my
records confirmed my GP's findings, I asked why I hadn't been told. The
doctor cavalierly explained that it had been an oversight.
I was furious, devastated and expecting my period. I got a home test
that night, assuming it would confirm I wasn't pregnant so I could then
schedule my booster shot. Well, there was the little blue line, three
times, actually, and now I had to find a new OB/GYN.
The blood test confirmed it. My new doctor was concerned that it might
be ectopic because he couldn't find the sack and sent me to get a more
sophisticated u/s. There it was; a "normal" 4 week pregnancy, and
against our better judgment, I shared the news with my 72 year old, no
grandchildren yet, mother, on mother's day. My brother got married on
Memorial Day and no one noticed I wasn't drinking, just that I never
looked happier.
At six weeks, my doctor said we should hear the heart beat, but when
there was none, he reassured me that it might be earlier than he
thought and that I should come back next week. A week later in his
office, I was completely unprepared for what he started explaining, as
he showed me the empty sack on the u/s screen. I had no cramps, no
bleeding or spotting. I had no baby, either. I hadn't even absorbed
what he was saying and he was already scheduling a D&C for the next
day. He obviously read the disbelief on my face and suggested I go back
to the lab where he'd sent me for the prior u/s and arranged for them
to see me right away.
There it was again; the empty sack and that's when I first heard
"blighted ovum." My husband rescued me from the lab and we walked home
together, processing our new state of being, the tremendous
disappointment and seemingly infinite sadness.
The D&C was easy and painless, physically, anyway. We even went to
the Yankee game that night. No bleeding or cramping at all.
It's been less that a week for me and sometimes I'm caught of guard and
begin to cry. When I start to feel sorry for myself, I realize that at
least I was able to conceive rather easily. I remember my friend who
survived five years taking the shots and her husband also having a
procedure and they now have a beautiful baby boy. I also think of my 42
year old sister who is single. My boss, who at 41 just had a
miscarriage. I think of my friends who took years to have children and
those who found out they can't. I wrap my heart around the total and
surprising delight and excitement David felt when he thought we were
having a baby and I look forward to sharing that joy with him and my
family again, because I know we will.
