I'm a 26 yo newly-wed. As a Labor and Delivery nurse for the past 4
years, I knew better than to think I could get pregnant without any
problems, or have a pregnancy without complications. I knew better than
to take that for granted. I never wanted to assume that I'd get
pregnant when I wanted. Maybe I was a bit cynical.
Unfortunately, my first year of marriage was hard - but not without
surprise. I work nights and go to graduate school during some days. My
husband is a surgery resident, and for anyone who has heard of their
schedule, it is less than desirable. Because of my schedule. I was
forgetting to take the pill (I usually took it at night, but now that I
work nights, I had a hard time remembering it in the morning after I
worked my butt off). I felt that the responsible thing for me to do was
to get a more long term type of birth control. I wanted to wait to TTC
until after I finished graduate school, he wanted to wait longer.
I went on the patch, and tried it for 3 months. It itched, made me
nauseated, spot, and gain 10 pounds (I swear it wasn't the newly-wed
weight - we lived together for 3 years beforehand). Another pain in the
butt was that the pharmacy only dispensed on pack per month. When they
wouldn't dispense me a pack because I had used an "emergency patch"
once, I was mad (I had to get an extra patch because one fell off after
a prolonged swim and bubbly hot tub soak). My husband and I were going
on vacation that evening for one week. But, I wasn't worried because my
husband was always tired, so I didn't feel like I needed birth control
at that specific point anyway (another reason why I'm feeling down
lately). I decided to restart the pill with my next period.
3 weeks later, my husband was in the mood. I decided to take advantage
of the opportunity. He was aware of my patch troubles and that
presently I was off birth control. We agreed beforehand to use
withdrawal as backup. He forgot. I almost asked for emergency
contraception the next day, but the cynic in me surfaced. What makes me
think that I would be so lucky as to get pregnant after one time?
(Lucky as in many women are trying for a long time - I'm not special)
On my way to take a final exam the first week in May, I felt nauseated
on public transportation. Exam jitters. That weekend, my in-laws came
in for a visit. The next day was our wedding anniversary. I drank wine
on both occassions. The next morning (day after our anniversary) I woke
up nauseated. I decided that I'd go get a test, but bought the generic
because I felt that having to take a test was ridiculous anyway. I
forgot about it after I took it. About 10 minutes after I took the
test, I went in the bathroom to throw it out. I couldn't believe that
there were two lines. I immediately began to hyperventilate.
I paged my husband and asked him to stop home. He didn't seem to think
anything was different about my voice. I called a friend in the
meantime that said congratulations. I didn't know if that was what I
wanted to hear. I was very confused.
When my husband came home, I was tearful sitting in the bathroom. He
saw me sitting oddly in the bathroom when he came home, and immediately
knew something was up. He looked hesitant to ask what was going on,
because I think he knew. He studied the test stick, looked back at me,
and said "your pregnant baby!" I burst into tears. He hugged me and
said "its okay! Why are you crying?" I remember feeling guilty about
crying. I remember not knowing what I should feel or how I should
react. I was in disbelief. The room was blurry (from crying or feeling
like it was a dream, I still do not know). I called my GYN who gave me
an appt the next day. I felt some relief in that. My husband had to go
back to work. I went food shopping and bought healthy food. He came
home with vitamins (folic acid) and calculated how much I should take.
He hugged me a lot. I couldn't help but feeling bad that he was being
so nice. This was unplanned. We had no money, no family in the
geographic area... I went off birth control for a month. I felt some
responsibility.
The next day we went to the GYN together. We took our luggage with us
because we were going on our one year wedding anniversary trip that
afternoon as well - to an all-inclusive resort (no alcohol or sushi for
me!). We joked about the irony. At this point we were laughing,
thinking the whole thing was comical. The GYN confirmed an intrauterine
sac, and didn't see a fetal pole yet. But, with the date I gave her,
she said it was too early to see the heart beat anyway. She said that
she couldn't even be sure of the dates at this point because I never
got a period after the one I had from the last patch. At this point,
two weeks difference mattered in what she would see. She asked how we
were taking the news and we said it was a surprise. She printed out a
picture of the sac and my husband looked at it and said "its
beautiful!) and put it in his wallet. He made me relax. My next appt
was in two weeks
During the trip, I wanted to talk about it. To my husband, it was a
done deal. We were pregnant. We would "do what we have to do". To me, I
was giving up a lot. What about school, money, child care? I even
thought about abortion briefly. I felt guilty about that, but I was
scared.
5 days after that first appt, I began to get unbelievably tired. Then,
I got nauseated. I couldn't even look at food. I was dizzy when I went
to work. I didn't want to tell anyone yet though because I knew better
than to say anything too early. When I went to my second appt - I went
alone. With my symptoms being so strong, I thought for sure we'd see
the FH by now, and my husband was disappointed that he couldn't attend.
No fetal pole was found. My GYN said that it may not be viable
pregnancy, and that she wanted to give it another week, but said I
should know that it wasn't looking normal - was looking like a blighted
ovum. She told me to expect bleeding. She drew my blood for HCG, and I
was to draw my own two days later to see if the levels were going down.
The levels went down from 39,000 to 37,000 in 48 hours. When I saw the
first number, I was confused because it was so high and within normal
limits. But the second number was lower. It should always double at
this point in 48 hours. I was still throwing up. According to my
calculations, I was 7 1/2 weeks at this point (due exactly on my
husband's birthday to be precise). I was confused. I called my doctor
and she told me to come in again for a 3rd u/s that week She told me
that she fully expected me to spontaneously miscarry, and told me that
she didn't think I'd have to have a D&C when I asked her.
At nine weeks, no bleeding, but no nausea, and I wasn't tired all of a
sudden - my vision wasn't cloudy. I knew that it was true - the
pregnancy failed. But I wasn't bleeding. At this point, my doctor said
that if I hadn't started to bleed, I probably wasn't, and suggested a
D&C at ten weeks. I agreed. I didn't want to make a big deal out of
it. After all, this wasn't in our plan anyway. I agreed to have the
D&C in her office with local (numbing to my cervix).
She let my husband stay with me. The pain was much more than I thought.
Although the procedure was fast, it was furious. I had unbelievable
cramping immediately after the procedure, but it stopped completely in
10 minutes. Still in shock from the whole thing, I felt I should go on
as normal. We went out to breakfast immediately afterwards, I started
the pill again that night. I thought I would be relieved it was over,
but the sadness of no pregnancy was gripping. My husband expressed
obvious relief, and told me that I shouldn't feel sad - that it worked
out in the end. I wish I didn't remember what it felt like. Had I to do
it over again (God forbid), I'd do conscious sedation.
It is one month later now. I am still sad. I can't sleep. My husband
doesn't understand why I'm so sad. He certainly isn't. He is never home
to talk about it. When he is home, which is rare, he doesn't want to
have deep conversations - wants to eat and then go to sleep. I told him
yesterday that I'm still sad. I was sobbing yesterday. Another reason I
am sad is because I don't know what the future holds. I know that the
statistics are in my favor, but I see bad pregnancies everyday. He
doesn't want to try again, and wouldn't even consider it at this point
even if I really wanted to. I know that right now isn't a good time,
but through all of this, I think I've discovered that I'm ready. And
because of that, I also feel guilty about my initial sadness about
BEING pregnant. But, I don't know if this feeling is right. I don't
want to get pregnant just to see if I can, although the curiosity is
killing me.
When am I going to stop being sad? Most of these postings suggest that
a subsequent successful pregnancy will or did help. That isn't an
option for me - I don't want to be sad for 3 years until we TTC. I
don't want it to consume me. Does it consume me because of what I do
for a living? Is this normal? I took a vacation from work, and it
didn't help. I see a psychiatrist now once a week, he gave me sleep
medication. He says talking about it helps. Talking makes it worse
right now, but maybe it will eventually help. Maybe this posting will
help. This is the hardest thing that I've ever gone through, and I'm so
young.
